I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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