My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
