Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
