i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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