I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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