i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
