4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
