Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
