How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
