So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
