there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
