sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
