You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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