I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
