i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
