Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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