I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
