I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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