Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
