Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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