The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
