she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
