He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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