You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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