i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Too much gin, very little bucket
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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