I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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