Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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