I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
