I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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