haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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