My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
