its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
