I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You ruined the universe
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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