Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I know her cup size but not her name....
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
