I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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