she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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