I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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