I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
