She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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