my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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