Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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