The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
