Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
This baby is an asshole
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
