There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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