just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
