The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
