thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
