I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
