Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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