Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
