Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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