For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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