Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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